The Stiff

There was a shoplifter in the museum store today, a well-dressed man in his fifties; suit and tie, could have been a businessman. He wore a long overcoat and carried a canvas tote bag which he was apparently using to put merchandise into. He was acting a little suspicious I guess, and Karen was watching him on the monitors in the control room when she actually saw him slip a large Christo monograph into his bag. I went to investigate, casually strolling up to the guy as he was looking through a book on the Situationists.

"Hi", I said.

He looked up at me with no surprise or fear on his face.He
smiled.

"Hi yourself."

I smiled back.

"So... whatchoo got in the bag?" I asked in a friendly voice.

"Oh, you know; some books and stuff. Nothin special."

"Hmmm. Well, you know, I believe there might be something that doesn't belong to you in that bag."

He took a step away from me. I put my hands up in a friendly gesture.

"It's okay, buddy. Just take the stuff out of your bag and we'll be cool."

I didn't expect him to run; maybe I should have. He pushed aside an old woman and bolted for the door. I surprised myself and took off after him. Usually I wouldn't bother, but something automatic kicked in. I could see in my peripheral vision that Perry was right behind me, chasing as well.

He ran down the sidewalk a ways before crossing the street towards the park. I sprinted after him like an Olympic bronze medalist. It all happened so fast I didn't really see the impact but I saw his body roll across the hood of the car and into the street. The driver, having slammed on the brakes, leaped from the vehicle and ran to see if he was okay. There was a large splotch of blood across the windshield. The shoplifter was still moving; I bent over him and could hear a gurgling sound come from the back of his throat. His head and chest were covered in blood.... he spit out a lungful of blood, then shuddered, falling face-first into the gutter. A small crowd had gathered around and they started to cheer for me. A gorgeous grad student threw her arms around me, pressing her ample bosom against my uniform. I looked across the park to see the mayor running towards me, giving me a big thumbs up. "Still keeping our city safe, I see!" said a voice behind me: it was Christopher Reeves, grinning with gratitude as he pulled out his wallet and counted out bills for a reward...

I'm standing here in the gift shop, watching a well-dressed middle aged man carrying a tote bag, and I'm thinking to myself: go ahead, buddy; go ahead. Just try and take something. It's been dead in here all day and I'm bored stiff. I dare you. I fucking dare you.